An ambassador writes

From: D.I.P. Lomat, HM Ambassador to Erewhon

To: Sir Philip Barton, Permanent Under-Secretary, FCDO

17 March 2021

Dear Phil,

All your ambassadors are poring over the new Foreign Policy announced in the Integrated Review, trying to see what it means for us.

Like you, I have seen new governments come in with a new Prime Minister and each thinks he or she has got to have a foreign policy to make a mark. The clichés roll out: “The World has become less stable”, “Nato and the Atlantic Alliance are at the heart of our foreign policy”, “We will work to promote human rights and tackle climate change”, “We will stand up to China and Russia, but not if it interferes with profits for UK firms”, and so on.

I am not sure who this is meant to impress. We lived through Tony Blair’s interventionism, through Robin Cook’s ethical foreign policy, and through William Hague’s claim that every embassy would be the trade office of some local Chamber of Commerce.

You, as our High Commissioner in India, will remember dear old David Frost coming out there as Director of the Scotch Whisky Federation. His mandate was to get removed the 150 per cent tariff on Scotch the Indians imposed to protect their own hooch, marketed as what Queen Victoria drank in Balmoral.

They were charmed by David, now Lord, Frost. The Indians agreed at once to reduce to zero the tariff on our biggest selling export. In exchange they told David that Britain should agree to allow visa-free travel to the UK for 1.3 billion Indians. Whoops!

Alas trade is like that. If we want something we have to give something. Then David, now my Lord Frost, couldn’t offer anything to India. Better luck in Europe, is all I can say!

As a nostalgic for the Raj, I welcome the tilt to India. We need to link up with another nuclear power. There is always Pakistan, of course, though my colleagues from Muslim republics and Commonwealth states, in their embassies here, tell me that Mr Modi’s excessive Hindu nationalism and discrimination against millions of Indian Muslims is not playing too well.

But, of course, the Prime Minister knows best and if he says “Up Hindu Nationalism!” that will be my message.

At least my EU colleagues here are pleased that on China, the new policy seems to have copy-and-pasted the China policy of Macron, Merkel and the EU. That is to max up trade with China and, now and then, issue a rebuke when they go too far on Uighurs and Hong Kong.

Let us not forget the Chinese are very generous with directorships and well-paid consultancies for retired politicians and Whitehall warriors – they respect age and experience. While of course we must mention human rights now and then to keep the Guardian and the clergy happy, it’s trade what made Britain rich and since we won’t trade with Europe we’ll have to turn to China, as in the good old days of empire.

No one is quite sure what all these extra nuclear bombs and warheads will mean. My British Council colleagues say they are facing intense pressure to cut budgets. As you know, the British Council is the biggest teacher of English in the world. But Ms Patel’s new barriers to entry into the UK, which I perfectly understand, are turning many in our part of the world to seek to hire their talents out to America, Canada or even European countries which are not hostile to dark-skinned PhDs.

I understand the BBC may be replaced by new Rupert Murdoch-style TV stations, which will be robust in promoting England against all these wretched foreigners. I will work to get broadcast rights and full access for our new Britain Today news channel but, as with Russia Today, it may be tricky.

“Global Britain” is a marvellous slogan. I remember Lord Pearson of Rannoch, when he was chairman of UKIP and often to be seen in the Travellers, set up his “Global Britain” think tank in 1997 to get us out of Europe. Well, he succeeded. So quite rightly his reward is to see his slogan now adopted by the PM as our FCDO mission statement.

We will keep working for you, never fear. I miss the weekly lunch sessions with French, German, Dutch and other EU ambassadors. You’ll remember from Delhi, it was a good chance to swap notes, pick up intel, and agree a common line.

That’s over now and we can get all our information on Europe and the world from the weekly edition of the Spectator. We are quite splendidly isolated but never fear: we will do our best to sell the new line.

My American opposite number, Michael O’Neill, says his President keeps banging on about being Irish and is very unhappy about how our old friend, Lord Frost, is siding with the ultra-unionists in Northern Ireland who hate Dublin, the EU and the Pope in equal measure.

He asks if I could send a word that Ireland matters a lot in the White House. But I’m sure you know that already.

Looking forward to all these nuclear warheads. They will make a big difference somewhere!

Yours ever

Dip

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