Boris Johnson and the Queen: an audience

The Wednesday audience of the Prime Minister with the Queen is of course private. The following dialogue is therefore purely imaginary.

Boris Johnson: As you already know, Ma’am, I bring grim news. The Covid death toll has now passed a hundred thousand. On behalf of your Government, I take full responsibility for this dreadful outcome. It is far worse than we expected or had any reason to expect. We have followed the scientific advice, based on the experts at Sage, at every stage. But this has been a very, very difficult crisis and I am very, very sorry that it has come to this.

The Queen: Thank you, Mr Johnson. It has indeed been difficult for everyone. But a hundred thousand is a huge number. Apart from the war, not even someone as old as I am can remember anything like it. My parents lived through the Spanish Flu epidemic more than a century ago. That killed even more people. And I can still remember polio, which left those who survived it disabled. But in my long reign, nearly seven decades now, there has been nothing as bad as this. I never thought I would live to see the country that invented vaccination, antiseptics and antibiotics emerge from a pandemic with the worst death rate in the world. What is your explanation?

Boris Johnson: We have a combination of characteristics as a nation, Ma’am, that render us peculiarly vulnerable. We have among the highest population densities and obesity levels in Europe. We are an open, trading people and hence exposed. Our ethnic minorities have been especially vulnerable. And of course the ageing population…

The Queen: You hardly need to remind me of my age, Mr Johnson. I am in the category that has suffered by far the worst number of deaths. My husband and I were jolly glad to get vaccinated, let me tell you. If I had been in a care home or a hospital last spring, I should probably not be here. Even Charles is now old enough to get his jab. You deserve a great deal of credit for stepping up the vaccination programme, after a slow start last month. All those volunteers  — it reminds me of wartime. How did you do it?

Boris Johnson: We got some wizard wheezes from the Israelis, Ma’am. They know what they’re doing. I believe they have given 2.6 million, nearly a third of their population, one vaccination and another million have had two. But we are the next best: well over one in ten Brits have now had the jab. We will easily meet our target of protecting the old, the vulnerable and NHS staff by mid-February, Ma’am.

The Queen: Well in that case perhaps you will allow me to visit Israel once this is all over. It’s practically the only country I have never been to. I’d like to see the Holy Land before I die. But the Foreign Office has never allowed it.

Boris Johnson: Indeed, Ma’am. But there are security reasons—

The Queen:  We both know those are not the real reasons, Mr Johnson. But you still haven’t told me why this country has come out of the pandemic with so many more dead than our neighbours. You say you followed the science. Did they get it wrong?

Boris Johnson: Not exactly, Ma’am, but last March we still didn’t know very much about Covid. Truth be told, we are still getting to grips with these new variants. It’s like playing wiff-waff with mutant ping pong balls. 

The Queen: So you admit that you made mistakes. 

Boris Johnson: Yes, we made mistakes, Ma’am. Quite a few. Last March, I probably delayed the decision to lock down for a week or two longer than I should. And then, well, I caught the damn virus. Too many handshakes.

The Queen: Yes, I know all about that, too. Occupational hazard. We were all very sympathetic, Mr Johnson. But then you got better. Did you take your eye off the ball last summer? I seem to remember nice Mr Sunak and his plan to get us all eating out again. What was it called — dine with me? No, that’s a television programme Philip and I like to watch. Anyway, what was that all about? Shouldn’t we have been preparing for the second wave, not guzzling in restaurants?

Boris Johnson: The hospitality industry was on its knees, Ma’am. We brought in a second lockdown as soon as cases began to rise again. But we had to consider morale, too: people needed something to look forward to. A family Christmas was what the elderly were living for. So we lifted that lockdown in early December. We hoped we had contained the coronavirus and the worst was over.

The Queen: But you hadn’t and it wasn’t. Mr Johnson, you let people go to pubs and shops all though Advent. You promised them a family Christmas. What did you think would happen? Where were the wise men of Sage? Not so very sagacious, after all.

Boris Johnson: They did warn us of the risks, Ma’am, but we thought our tier system would do the trick. What really threw us was the new variant from Kent. We didn’t expect it to spread so much faster than the old one. Once the full implications became clear, I bit the bullet. The first time we cancelled Christmas since Cromwell. Oh! Sorry for mentioning him, Ma’am. Sensitive subject in your family, of course.

The Queen: Not at all, Mr Johnson. I raised an eyebrow because, as a scholar, you ought to know that it wasn’t Cromwell who abolished Christmas, but Parliament. I read an excellent piece all about it by Paul Lay, the editor of History Today, on a platform I look at called TheArticle. Anyway, you finally imposed a third lockdown less than a month ago. And you are only now closing the borders. Australia, a country I know and love, has had its borders closed all along — and they say they won’t reopen them till next year. New Zealand is much the same. Have they got it all wrong? Remind me how many people have died there.

Boris Johnson: I’ll have to get back to you on that, Ma’am. But the circumstances — population density, even the geography — are very different there. 

The Queen: Britain, too, is an island, Mr Johnson, or it was when I last looked. Wasn’t that partly what Brexit was all about? No, I’m afraid it won’t really do. The world is feeling sorry for us. That’s an unenviable situation.

Boris Johnson: Yes, Ma’am, I do apologise. As soon as it’s over, we will rebuild this country better than before: a fairer, levelled-up society; a leaner, more efficient health service; a leaner, healthier nation.

The Queen: You may not get the chance to do all that, Mr Johnson. We shall be all but bankrupt, for a start. And all those responsible will be held to account. That includes you as Prime Minister. If the Government is criticised by a public inquiry, what will you do? 

Boris Johnson: Too soon to say, Ma’am. I should have to consider the facts at the time.

The Queen: Let me tell you about an honourable man, rather before your time. Sir Keith Bright died this month of Covid. He was the chairman of London Regional Transport at the time of the King’s Cross fire in 1987, in which 31 people died. He was not responsible for operational decisions such as passenger safety. But he offered his resignation on the night of the fire. It was refused. Then there was an inquiry. A year after the fire, it reported — and the report was devastating. This time Keith Bright’s resignation was accepted. He did the decent thing. It was the right thing to do.

Boris Johnson: Thank you for reminding me, Ma’am. As I said, I take full responsibility. Now, if you don’t mind, I must prepare for PMQs. I don’t need to remind you that our system requires me to be accountable to Parliament every single week.

The Queen: A hundred thousand people have died, Prime Minister. You are not only accountable to Parliament, but to the nation — and to God.

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