Brave New Game

In what has been described as the most important and progressive innovation in rules since the introduction of modern chess around 1475, the High International Chess Commission for Unlawful Practices has announced its vision for the future of our game. Rosa Klebb, the Moscow-based Chair of the Commission, said: “The sweeping changes announced by the Commission, while firmly anchored in tradition and precedent, will promote inclusivity, equality and diversity amongst the chess community which will inevitably lead to a surge in support for chess.”

TheArticle is privileged to be the first organ of the press to be able to publish these new regulations. There now follows a summary of the key points:

1) In deference to the recently released Brilliant Black British History book by Atinuke, which proves that the first Britons were Black, all pieces of both sides will now be coloured black. What was White will now be named B1, while the opposing side will be labelled B2. B1 moves first. This move counterbalances the outdated and reactionary chess set designed by Yoko Ono, where all pieces were white.

2) As atonement for imperialist colonialism, all squares on the board will henceforth also be coloured black. Only the lines of intersection will be white, as a reminder of centuries of slavery imposed  by Western imperialists. The precedent for this decision is that all squares in Shatranj, and the oriental games of Shogi, Go and Xiangqi, were and remain monochrome.

3) The pieces will be renamed thus:

The eight Pawns on each side will consist of two illegal immigrants, two extinction rebellion activists, two stop oil protestors and two pre teenage gender transitioners. Only the illegal immigrants will be able to advance  two squares forwards on their first turn, while the protestors and activists are placed lying down, not vertically. By donating £1-00 per unit to a special fund to support the French economy, any player may increase their tally of illegal immigrants, while commensurately reducing their total of protestors, activists and transers.

The King from Team B1 will be renamed Al Gore, in honour of his pioneering work of climate change catastrophe  prediction An Inconvenient Truth. The King of Team B2 will be redefined as George Floyd, in homage to Black Lives Matter.

B1’s former Queen will be recast as Greta Thunberg, with particular reference to her imminent rumoured trips to Russia, China and India to protest climate change. For B2 the Queen will become Lia Thomas, the transgender swimmer who has become so successful in harvesting female prizes in swimming championships.

Rooks on both sides will become Ulez cameras, B1’s former Bishops will be promoted to Archbishops and rechristened as Justins, while B2’s prelates will be known as Welbys. All former Knights will henceforth be designated as Khans, in honour of Sadiq Khan, the visionary Mayor of London. This measure of identifying each piece was inspired by William Caxton’s Game and Playe of the Chesse (1476), an allegory of social structures, where each piece has its allotted individual name and  role.

On reaching the 8th rank, former Pawns will promote to Drag Queens, the en passant capture becomes Nipping (abbreviation for the Northern Ireland Protocol), while castling is redefined as Dovering, favourite haven and arrival point for illegal immigrants. All players must take the knee before the game, all games are, of course, played according to Shuffle Chess rules and in deference to the 15 minute city proposals espoused by the international committee of Mayors, C40, chaired by Sadiq Khan, players will be given 15 minutes each to finish their games.

Meanwhile, arbiters (following NHS precedent) are to be recruited as equality, diversity and inclusivity officers. There will be no prize money, with all sponsorship funds being redirected to the EDI officers.

The only snacks allowed will be burgers stuffed with high protein insect content (specially imported flies from the Lake Victoria swarms in Tanzania). Prohibited reading matter in tournament rooms will include the Daily Mail, The Daily Telegraph, Starkey’s Monarchy, Farage’s One Party After Another, and any books by Jonathan Swift, Alexander Pope, George Orwell or Aldous Huxley. Some persons are already subject to life ban cancellations and will not be permitted to play under any circumstances ; these include Sharron Davies, Martina Navratilova and JK Rowling. Britain’s most celebrated Grandmaster, Nigel Short, is subject only to the lesser penalty of not being considered for the full English team in perpetuity. Carol Vorderman, who so successfully fronted the TV coverage of the 1993 World Championship match between Garry Kasparov and Nigel Short, is said to be invited as commentator in chief for all important competitions.

In accordance with net zero regulations, players will only be allowed to travel to competitions by foot or bicycle. The sole exceptions will be those who arrive on a private jet owned by any multimillionaire.

It remains to be seen whether the brave new rules will be adopted ecstatically by the chess community or whether the Commission’s progressive vision will be sabotaged by the chessboard equivalent of the notorious anti-Ulez Blade Runners.

A final innovation, of which the Commission is particularly proud, is that any player who has lost a game and whose feelings are hurt by defeat, may apply to the Commission to have the result annulled and replaced by a draw. As evidence of the Commission’s adherence to tradition in drafting the new rules, a name change from Chess to Wokespiel was narrowly defeated in the concluding vote on ratification.

Our games this week point to the past and future of chess.

First, the historic game changer Castellvi vs. Vinyoles from the 1475 turning point, when the rules last changed.

Finally, Sevian vs. So from the recent Champions Showdown 9LX shuffle chess event played last month in St Louis.

Grandmaster Raymond Keene’s 206th book, “Chess in the Year of the King”, with a foreword by TheArticle contributor Patrick Heren, and written with former Reuters chess correspondent Adam Black, has recently appeared.

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