FANTASTIC! The Trump-Putin letters

Donald Trump recently claimed that if he were still in the White House he would end the war in Ukraine in a day. He did not, of course, literally mean 24 hours. He was simply speaking figuratively: even the ex-President must surely have been aware that peace in Ukraine won’t be built in a day. As it happens, Trump had actually been in contact with Vladimir Putin for several months, on a private information channel that he promised was 100% secure.   As with many other Trumpian claims, this was not entirely accurate. So, having cracked the code, I will now reveal select correspondence between them to readers of TheArticle.

Putin to Trump

Moscow, The Kremlin 07/07/2019

I welcome this opportunity to tell you without any hindrance what is going on in this part of the world. My twin goals, which I set out after the Russian people democratically re-elected me for the first time of many, still apply. I want to bolster democratic values and foster economic and social success. Freedom and justice are essential to social peace and Russia’s ability to protect its citizenry.  There is no doubt that ensuring human rights is critically important both for the development of Russia’s economy and for its sociopolitical life.

You know that I am unhappy with the present state of affairs. My greatest dissatisfaction is caused by the absolutely irresponsible dissolution of the Soviet Union and the subsequent expansion of NATO towards the East. I know that you are not a fan of NATO either. I seem to remember you saying not long ago that NATO is obsolete and not an organisation that necessarily aligns with the United States’s present needs. Your withdrawal from NATO would be a courageous move towards securing peace and security in our time. We all know that Europe is finished as a fighting force.

All the best for your re-election campaign.

Trump to Putin

Washington, The White House 06/11/2019

SO TRUE! I too said this but much earlier and more strongly. Europe is BAD at fighting. It would go down if it threatened big powers like yours or mine. Don’t threaten us, Europe! It would be a shame if we had to do something to such cute little countries as France and Britain. Their pageantry can’t be beaten — the 14^th July celebrations in Paris were FANTASTIC! You must see them. I am sure my friend, President Macron, will invite you if I ask him. Do you want to go?

I am enjoying my re-election campaign. There is one point where you might be able to offer some help. This is about Hunter Biden, the son of the Democrats’ candidate. He is a shady character operating in turbulent financial waters in Eastern Europe. Citizens of the USA should know about this son of Joe Biden before they vote. Do you happen to know of anything interesting about him?

Putin to Trump,

Moscow, The Kremlin, 07/07/2021

At present I must dedicate myself as fully as ever to continuing Russian prosperity. Perhaps next year there I will find a moment to extend my diplomatic arm into France. About Hunter Biden I certainly want to collaborate with you. I shall do my best.   

I must tell you, I do not think that there have ever been two Heads of States who had so similar notions about solving the problems of the world. I know that it would be difficult for you to stay in power for a third term, but you must manage it. I am very happy to help you. Your presence on the world stage is absolutely necessary for world peace.

You are therefore the only one outside Russia to learn that I shall put further pressure on Ukraine. I am currently consolidating our plans. I am ready to move an overwhelming force to the borders of Ukraine ready to move into the country if necessary. I don’t want war, I don’t want fighting, all I want is change of regime: a position that I know many of your predecessors can sympathise with, given your operations in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I presume you have noticed too that the Ukrainian government and military have been posturing and threatening for some time.  We must eliminate their fascist elements and condemn them to long prison terms. I count on you to spell out to them that it is not in their interest to provoke war. They would be very sorry. Very soon.

Naturally, you will be well compensated for your support. I presume that your main interest is in the Americas, and as such I believe the Monroe Doctrine should be central to our special relationship going forwards. As a token of my commitment to this, I can take the Venezuela problem off your plate. It will be known whenever you wanted it to happen that Maduro misappropriated a significant portion of our latest loan to the state. Whether we exile or arrest him is in your hands. This leaves the Americas as your playground, with the exception of Cuba. You know we Russians have a great soul. We love that plucky little island. We loved Castro. Please, leave them in peace.

And of course, I fully understand your concern about North Korea. I am concerned about them too. They believe they can pursue an independent policy. I shall have to disappoint them. You don’t need to worry about them, I shall discuss that next time with President Xi. Removing the perceived threat from that nation would assist your re-election for a third term. I know 2024 is still far away but it is not too early to think about it.

From Trump to Putin

The White House, 03/02/2022

We run the greatest and most powerful Nations on earth. Why don’t we go show the totally broken and crime infested places nearby how it’s done. These places need our help badly. But let’s make the Baltic States an exception. Do you mind if I claim them against Cuba? Could you please stop anti-Baltic propaganda for a year or two, when we have another chance to discuss the matter in earnest?

Now, about Ukraine: I have nothing against changing the regime to one that would be more friendly to your country. So go ahead with your plans. I shall make some neutral comments emphasising that events in your own backyard aren’t anyone else’s concern (and certainly not NATO’s). In my eyes the country is all yours.

Just out of curiosity: How long do you think it will take to make Ukraine Russian again?

Putin to Trump, Moscow 10/02/2022

Interestingly enough, I have asked the same question from one of my leading generals. He said it depends on whether they resist or not. If they resist it will take three days. If they don’t it might take a day or two more because we shall have to listen to the welcoming speeches.

I stand by my views from the past few years, and yours do not seem to have changed either since you were first elected, nor after you re-election. You are far the most consistent statesman in the Western world.  You know my position on the United Nations: it is no more than a powerless talking shop. The responsibility therefore falls to us to secure global prosperity for the next century. Violent uprisings against legitimate governments, as in Maidan Square, cannot be allowed to happen.

We must remain in communication and united. These next months will be crucial for our plans.

Yours ever

Vlad

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