Why I hate Christmas songs

Bah humbug. I hate Christmas. More narrowly, I hate Christmas songs; specifically, most of the commercial ones which defile our airwaves. 

Don’t get me wrong. As a practising atheist I love carols, both for their music, and for their values and sentiments. OK, some can be downright sentimental, but that’s fine. It is the season to be sentimental. One of my great regrets about the new normal Christmas we are facing is that I will miss going to the midnight carol service at Ely Place, Holborn, or my former parish church in Hampstead, along with my children and grandchildren.

So why my Scrooge-like approach to most commercial songs? Let me give you two typical examples. Ever popular songs for the kiddies. Songs whose values are quite disgusting. First; I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus. The young boy is celebrating the fact that he saw his mother secretly kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe, and (mildly) touching him up. The loathsome lad is neither shocked or saddened by this performance. He thinks it funny. And he gloats about the row which would ensue if Daddy discovered Mummy’s little act of infidelity. We of course realise that Santa was in fact Daddy dressed up. But sonny boy doesn’t. Sweet eh? That misunderstanding is supposed to make the song funny. Ho ho ho.

Then there is the ever-popular Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. A little textual analysis will reveal that the lyrics celebrate bullying the deformed, and grovelling to the mighty. You may remember that Rudolph “had a very shiny nose/ and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.”

How did his fellow reindeer react to his sorry condition? With seasonal kindness and understanding? Not a bit of it. “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names/ They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.” Bastards. But here comes the twist. Then one foggy Christmas Eve/ Santa came to say/ “Rudolph with your nose so bright/won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

At which point the sycophantic animals do a cynical about turn. As the final verse puts it “Then how the reindeer loved him/As they shouted out in glee/Rudolph the red nosed reindeer/You’ll go down in history.” One can only hope, that, in the spirit of Christmas, Rudolph tells the hypocritical bullies to drop dead. Instead, I fear that the seasonal message of this song to our children is that the opportunistic reindeer are to be admired and emulated. I hope that jingles your bells; and may all your Christmases be White. 

A Message from TheArticle

We are the only publication that’s committed to covering every angle. We have an important contribution to make, one that’s needed now more than ever, and we need your help to continue publishing throughout the pandemic. So please, make a donation.